Carlos San Millan
Sebastian. Bitte MELDE dich, ich werde verrückt, ich mach mir Sorgen. Ich hab viel zu lange nichts gehört, bitte.
today, it’s more about the "right now" than about the past. because as you can imagine, i got responds to what i have written over the last week.first of all i had to tell my mother about it.
my mother and i have developed a very close relationship over the last 5 years. it hasn’t been like this when i was younger - i did not recognize authority from anyone. how could i ? from my point of you, i was the adult :
" because i can’t be with your mother, because it’s your fault that we split, you have to make it up to me. you are my wife from now on "
sentence like this made me believe that i can do whatever i want, i was a grown up, doing grown up stuff, right ? yes -
i did do grown up stuff, but i was far away from being a grown up. so having a mother telling you what to do, how to behave ( especially towards boys ) was something annoying and made me more than angry. but over the years when i grew older, i realized how blessed i am. i have a mexican mother - raised in a different culture, by catholic parents, who where more than strict about sexuality. and we had a long way to become what we are now - best friends. there is still stuff from my past my mother dont know - and will probably find out now that i am stripping down naked, but i am not afraid that might change anything.
she learned to love me the way i see myself - and i learned to love her as she sees herself. all her sacrifices for our family. i can now see them. and she sees mine. she walked in my shoes, and i walked hers. you may ask now how this is possible - well let me put this to an easy way. as mother you so whatever it takes to protect your children , as i did as he forced himself on me - he always threatened that if i don’t do as he pleases, he will kill my mother, and do even worse to my sister. and as child, as innocent child who still is able to love pure - you do what it takes. so i walked her shoes. and she walked mine. she had to fear so much. she took so much violence in this marriage for us. to protect us. her childhood wasn’t easy as well - growing up in mexico may be not that paradisiacally as you may think, but thats her story to tell, not mine. this i a bond i treasure, i put a lot effort into it, by letting her know what i do and how i am, even though i moved to a different country.
but - showing her this hasn’t been easy at all - you don’t want your mother to know that you’re not a saint, you want to make her proud, don’t you ?
so being honest with myself and trying to make her proud doesn’t go hand in hand always. letting her now, what you did, even though she knows a lot - like my drug abuse, a part of my sexual history, is hard. and i had a hard time waiting for her respond to it. but she surprised me again - she welcomed me back. she told me that i was brave to do that ( she has been keeping my condition always a secret to many people including my family so i did not think she would be pleased by my actions, revealing all this to public )
and today, i am just glad and thankful for the support continue this journey. i still don’t know how i will go on with this series - it has more impact on me than i thought.
i can’t sleep and my appetite is gone, i cant concentrate and i kind of get the feeling of being watched all the time. but i will do this no matter what.
i am young, i am in a good place, i am being loved, i love myself.
so to give me a little rest - i take a look at the future, not the past, to remind me that there is so much for me to explore, so much to see.
"Chair" series of paintings
// black & white paintings are the reason i first got into art
i used to think the world is a cruel place -
than i grew up